Category Archives: ramblings

side note :: on with the show

If this space didn’t have some archive of entries past, I couldn’t pinpoint the last time it was updated.
It’s been a long, long while.

And I miss it.
I miss a varied number of things, mostly to let go of this breathing underwater feeling.
The portrait challenge had a good run but I’ve skipped over so many weeks, it seems pointless to go on just to say I got to the end without really fully completing it. Maybe this speaks to the perfectionist streak in me but I can never do things half-heartedly and that is probably why so many projects are left open-ended, in progress.

It’s been crazy at times around here, others busily stagnant, with a routine that doesn’t add much and yet keeps your hands so full. I feel overflowing without being able to reach and hold the cup steady. Always a wave away from having said cup runneth over.

We have moved house, again. It was a sudden, heart-breaking, numb process but we came through and are slowly getting back on our feet – with our rules, our own set of expectations and aspirations.

Alice has stopped using her pacifier, changed from crib to a toddler bed (by her own accord) and is about to start – daycare! After over a year and a half, it is enough. Not only for my sanity but also – and mostly – hers. All kids should experience diverse interactions but this kid really needs them. She blossoms in social situations, loves meeting other kids, and at an age where development is galloping, it would be foolish and selfish to keep her to myself when it’s no longer serving a greater purpose, meaning neither of us is taking all the best that we can and deserve to get. That is why I am also eager for this change because it means free time to refocus on the goals and other changes this mom needs for both herself and this family.

I miss photographing.
I miss writing.
I miss dancing.
I miss creating.
I miss being more
instead of just
this.

Welcome back to a restart.

what i’ve been reading*

Yes, good question.

What have you been reading lately,
you may ask.

And the answer to that is

nothing.

Not one single page,
digital or paper
- barely a word.

Either I fall asleep or
I can’t sleep and get sucked into the crazy
of the Internet sometimes
or
I think to myself
how I should be reading
but am looking at the ceiling instead
knitting up worries
sparking fears
clouding my head.

What have you been avoiding,
you finally ask.

Oh, everything, my dears.
Absolutely
every thing.

*yup, fooled you.

time for a ‘new year, old me’ post

flowers-jan2016

It seems I’ve been in a rather introspective/saturnine mood ever since the clocks struck midnight and the champagne flowed from bottle to glasses. Don’t get me wrong – deeply excited about the coming year and what may bring but also aware of the many challenges to tackle. I didn’t come up with many resolutions in the beginning of last year and don’t intend on making them again. It feels disappointing to look back and realise you didn’t cross off much of those so-called resolutions and flunked back into the same old patterns. However, I do have a wish/intention for this year: to grow so that I can do. To blossom so that I can be all that I know I can be. To rise up to the occasion.

This turn of the year marks yet another move. By the end of January we expect to have moved out from our current place and into a new one, although it’s an oldie. A return to the roots, if you’d like to call it that, as we are headed to my grandparents’ place which has been vacant after my grandfather’s passing on the last leg of 2015. This makes the whole growing-doing-rising more important than ever: it is an incredible blessing, an unimaginable gift that is being given to us but which comes with its own set of sacrifices from my family’s end and it is imperative that I start making up for all their help and support these past couple of years.

Regarding the photo challenges, the first edition of #the52project will continue until Alice’s first birthday but meanwhile I have started the second edition for 2016 already, which will span the entire year properly. I will try to space out these postings but if it becomes too confusing, I will simply publish the challenge related to the ongoing year weekly and leave the remaining portraits for some other time, probably once it is finished. We’ll see.

Oh beginnings – which are really continuations- you inspire and overwhelm me so.

Life has slowly been finding its way back into daily routines after joining motherhood. It’s been a nearly 3 months since we welcomed dearest Alice into our lives and there have been a bundle of challenges and great moments, as expected. Since that day, all pictures taken have been mostly with the smartphone, because it seems holding a baby and a camera is a trick not yet perfected by many. But I’ve been missing the big camera, the soft sharpness and being able to properly edit any captures on the computer.

With this want-need in mind, I have decided to enter the #52weeksproject, created by the lovely jodi, and which focuses on selecting one portrait of your child a week, every week, for a year. Since this is Alice’s FIRST YEAR, it is the ideal time to go for it and then look back at all the moments (and changes!). And then who knows, we might keep on going :) Eleven weeks to catch up on, but bear with me, we will get there.

alice 39 weeksAlice, 39 weeks

• pregnancy woes + wows •

34weeks-bw

This will be a post different from the usual.
(whatever that means)

As I approach the tail end of this pregnancy,
there have been a few recurring thoughts coming up about the whole experience.
And for memory’s sake, I better point them down.

~ ~ ~

➼ 37 weeks today and I have to say the past weeks have been the toughest yet. From birthing anxieties to body movement restrictions and discomforts, the feeling is bittersweet because I’m well aware of having had a very issues-free experience when it comes to my own health and the baby’s development.

➼ Feeling her movements and wiggles will probably be what I will miss the most; it’s a strange but comforting sensation having a tiny human stretching and kicking inside you, the ultimate proof a life growing in there.

➼ From time to time, the fear of not being a good enough parent nearly paralyses me. There are many areas in my life where failing happens and although I get ashamed of it, after a certain point it doesn’t make me lose much sleep. But this, this does. The failure at parenting is very likely the kind of accomplishment/ambition I dread the most.

➼ You never realise how much effort you actually employ at seemingly simple tasks as rolling in bed or just getting up before being pregnant. It’s pretty obvious now the amount of muscles and strength your body dispenses in these and other daily movements.

➼ I’m a heavy sleeper and it used to be quite rare to have a bad night of interrupted sleep (which would usually be triggered by stress and anxiety)… but not anymore. The need to change sides then and again has single-handedly overturned that situation. Probably my body’s way of preparing me for those sleepless nursing nights.

➼ Really curious about meeting our girl and getting to know her newborn features. Afraid of the rush of love we might succumb to or, in a way scarier scenario, feeling not loved up enough after the baby arrives.

Guessing these and many other fears or complaints are more than common so I’m simply focusing on what’s ahead and getting a positive spin into everything. In two weeks or less (2!), she will finally be here with Us. A few good changes have been happening lately and I just want to think they are a sign of better times to come, baby girl included.

37weeks-bw

• on timing •

I’ve always been the worst at timing. And when it comes to sharing artwork, that trait is really apparent. Somehow, I never seem to find the right time to share photos, news, updates. It rarely feels like the right moment to do so – and I wait. For tomorrow, for sometime later in the day, for another week.

But the problem is the moments pass, and sharing them becomes obsolete, irrelevant. So I don’t, and end up with (mostly) pictures I would have loved to share sooner but whose timing starts getting off as days – sometimes even months – go by.

Trying to organize my mindset better, in a way that lets me share, whatever the moment may be. Nevermind time, it rarely is on our good side. Because the best of times is always this: right N O W.


❨ And that is why a lot of images from last year are only now being brought to light.
Dream. Create. Share.
Let yourself be known. ❩



’tis the season to be — what?

Feeling a bit more recluse than usual this holiday season. While most seem to indulge in (over)sharing every single detail of their Christmas parties, dinners and gifts, I’ve found myself silent, contemplative, calmly waiting for it all to wear off. Suppose I’m slightly eager for 2015. Eager and apprehensive.

Also, this week Christmas has felt like everything but homely and united, which, is what Christmas is all about for me. Sure, receiving presents from the loved ones are a good plus but honestly, that means nothing if you can’t share it all with the ones you cherish.

And the biggest hint is the lack of photographing. Whether with my camera or smartphone, there are no images to remember it by. Mainly because there is nothing worthy of remembering. And isn’t that a wonderful thought to end 204 with? Ah, well.

Here’s to 2015: where the unknown awaits, without any expectations.

♠︎

“whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty.
joy is not made to be a crumb.”

~ Mary Oliver

There’s more to this quote: a few more lines of text that go along with its meaning but I personally adore this thought. To think of Joy as no precious bead you should keep only to yourself. Be it joy, kindness, love, understanding, compassion, patience… an endless list of emotions and actions no one should have to limit but instead broaden their points of influence.
A single crumb may not amount to much but together, a patch of crumbs might lead somewhere. The ocean is made of tiny drops; dunes composed of countless grains of sand. Alone, these grains are finite and too small to matter but in abundance, they become immense, unavoidable, a singular force.

So many things are given or shared like crumbs, as those same grains of sand. Yet, sometimes that simply means it is *that* precious, valuable enough when any of us says

- please, handle with care.